Journey Through the Shadows of Motherhood- A Psychologist’s Personal Reflection

When I held my baby for the first time, I expected the overwhelming rush of joy that

everyone talks about. Instead, I felt an avalanche of emotions that I couldn’t fully name,

exhaustion, fear, self-doubt, guilt, and an unshakable heaviness that wouldn’t go away.

Looking back today, I realize it was postpartum depression.

As a clinical psychologist with years of experience, I thought I would recognize the signs if

they ever showed up. I believed my training would give me the tools to cope better. But

when you’re in the middle of it, nothing feels theoretical, everything is raw and deeply

personal.

My pregnancy was precious but far from easy. Nine months of strict bed rest, followed by a

month-long hospitalization in the eighth month due to bleeding, left me physically and

emotionally drained. My baby was born underweight and very delicate, a miracle child

who required extra care. Despite having an incredibly supportive family my husband, mother, and mother-in-law, I felt judged, scrutinized, and somehow… not enough. The exhaustion of sleepless nights, the endless feeding attempts, and the pressure of “getting it right” as a new mother became suffocating.

No one warned me about how brutal it would be. Breastfeeding was one of the biggest triggers. My body wasn’t producing enough milk. My baby wouldn’t latch properly. We eventually had to shift to formula, and while logically I knew it was okay, emotionally I felt like I had failed at my one primary job as a mother. Despite the constant reassurance from my family, I still felt like a burden. My husband had already done so much during the pregnancy, and yet I was angry at him for not “doing enough.” I resented the fact that my life no longer felt like my own. I was sleep-deprived, irritable, and disconnected. The strangest part was this, when someone did something nice for me, I felt angry. I felt

like I should have been able to do it all myself, and their kindness reminded me of how

incapable I felt.

Motherhood is often portrayed as blissful, a magical journey filled with pure joy. What a load of nonsense! But the reality for many women is far more complex. It’s tough. It’s messy. It’s tiring. And it can feel incredibly isolating. I used to wonder, Who are these mothers who say motherhood is pure joy? Why don’t they talk about the real struggles? Why don’t they talk about postpartum depression?

Slowly, something shifted. I started to find my way back. I realized I couldn’t do it all, and I didn’t have to. I began surrendering, trusting the people around me, letting go of my resistance. I handed over chores, allowed others to feed the baby with formula, and started taking more rest. As a psychologist, one thing ingrained in me is the power of changing perspective and narrative. I reminded myself that I was my child’s mother, what I could give her was enough. That shift, though gradual, was powerful. Because I didn’t go for medications or formal therapy, and it took me a good 5-6 months to feel like I was coming out of the darkness, and honestly, the struggles lingered in different ways for the next two years. Maybe if I had taken professional help, things would have been different.

What I learned was that PPD postpartum depression can happen to anyone. It doesn’t matter if you’re a mental health professional, you’re also human, with vulnerabilities. A strong support system is a non negotiable. I was fortunate to have mine, and it made a huge

difference. Motherhood is not always bliss. It’s okay to admit that it’s hard. It doesn’t make you a bad mother. Changing your narrative helps. Small mindset shifts and self-compassion can create room for healing.

If you’re a new mother feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or disconnected, please know this:

you are not alone. Postpartum depression is more common than we think, and it is not a

sign of weakness or failure.

Sometimes, the first step is simply acknowledging how you feel and allowing yourself to ask

for help, whether it’s from your family, a friend, or a mental health professional. Support,

therapy, and sometimes medication can make a world of difference. Motherhood is a

journey that doesn’t need to be walked in silence or isolation. You deserve care too.

Manali Ranadive-Sabane

Founder and Senior Clinical Psychologist

Mana: Shastra Psychotherapy Clinic and Child Development Centre, Nagpur and Wardha

Manali is a Psychologist specialising in Clinical Psychology with over 16 years of experience. She practices an eclectic approach and is trained in Queer Affirmative Therapy, Dialectical behaviour therapy and Trauma focused therapies.