Importance of Building Frustration Tolerance in Children

How many times have you seen young children struggle to put on their socks, peg a

toy on the board, or cry and yell when their tower of blocks collapses? What do they

say in that moment - “this is too hard, I can’t do this, I give up”. Or even aggressively

throw it away.

And what do we as parents and caregivers do? We immediately jump in to make

things better by telling them exactly what to do, or by doing it for them. Often, we end

up giving them something else to play with. It’s our job as parents and caregivers to

help them and solve their problems, right? Wrong!

Frustration, frustration, frustration! How often do you see it or even hear of it on a

daily basis? Possibly too many times to even count. Why and how is this a problem?

Is it not normal to be upset when things don’t go the way we planned? Why as parents

should we refrain from immediately jumping in and rescuing our children from

discomfort? How does this affect young children and adults alike?

What is Frustration Tolerance?

In today’s fast-paced world, where instant gratification is the norm, frustration

tolerance is becoming a vital skill for children to develop. It refers to one’s ability to

manage discomfort and setbacks while working towards achieving one’s goal. For

younger children, this might mean patiently waiting their turn during a game,

struggling with a difficult Math problem, trying to tie their shoelaces, being told “no”

by a parent, or completing a challenging puzzle. When children develop frustration

tolerance, they learn to persist through difficulties, instead of giving into anger, tears

or avoidance. Hence, developing this skill early in life is essential for a holistic growth

and well-being. Frustration tolerance doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or

completely eliminating frustration altogether. Instead, it involves teaching children

how to recognize, manage and use these emotions constructively.

Why is Frustration Tolerance important?

1. Fosters Emotional Regulation: Children with low frustration tolerance often

react impulsively when faced with challenges or obstacles, leading to tantrums,

aggression or complete withdrawal from the task at hand. Thus, learning to

manage frustration helps children regulate their emotions. It prevents them

from acting impulsively when faced with challenges and teaches them to

respond thoughtfully.

2. Encourages Problem Solving: When children learn to tolerate frustration, they

are more likely to approach problems with creativity and persistence, rather

than giving up or avoiding the issue. This is not only helpful in academic

success, but also in developing interpersonal relationships and future career

growth.

3. Builds Resilience: Life is full of challenges. Children who can tolerate

frustration are better equipped to handle life’s ups and downs. Making them

more resilient in the face of adversity. They will learn to look at challenges as

opportunities rather than threats.

4. Improves Social Skills: Frustration Tolerance is crucial for healthy social

interactions. It teaches children to negotiate, compromise, and empathize with

others, reducing conflicts with peers. This enhances their relationships and

builds stronger teamwork skills.

5. Encourages Independence: Allowing children to work through frustration,

while providing guidance as and when needed, encourages independence. They

learn to trust their ability to handle difficult situations, reducing reliance on

adults for constant intervention.

How to build Frustration Tolerance in younger children:

Building Frustration Tolerance in children requires consistent effort, patience, and

guidance. Here are some practical strategies:

1. Set realistic expectations: Children need age-appropriate challenges to build

their frustration tolerance. Start with tasks they can achieve with minimal

effort, gradually increasing the difficulty as their skills develops. For e.g. use

bigger building blocks or puzzles and gradually move to smaller complex ones.

Start with simple sums which the child can solve and gradually increase the

difficulty. Begin with books which the child can read fairly easily without help

and then slowly introduce higher levels.

2. Allow them to struggle: It’s difficult as parents and caregivers not to step in and

help when a child is frustrated; but in doing so we rob them of the opportunity

to learn. Instead, encourage them to try different strategies and remind them

that mistakes are part of learning. This reinforces their confidence and critical

thinking skills.

3. Model frustration tolerance: Children learn by observing adults. They learn

more by watching what you do, rather than you telling what they should do.

Those little eyes and ears follow your every move. So, make sure to

demonstrate calmness and perseverance when faced with your own challenges.

Verbalize your thought process to show them how you manage frustration. For

e.g. taking deep breaths, breaking down tasks into smaller achievable steps etc.

4. Teach problem solving skills: Help children break down problems into

manageable steps. Encourage them to brainstorm solutions and praise their

efforts, even if the outcome isn’t perfect.

5. Practice delayed gratification: This is one of the most important strategies.

Activities like waiting for a treat, saving money for a toy, or completing a task

before playing, teach children the value of patience and effort.

6. Reinforce positive behaviour: Acknowledge and praise your child when they

show persistence or manage their frustration well. Positive reinforcement

encourages them to repeat these behaviours. Use statements such as “I noticed

how you didn’t give up even when it was tough, I am proud of you”. Harsh or

excessive criticism lowers their self-esteem. They begin to fear making

mistakes, which can also reduce their willingness to face difficult challenges or

tasks.

7. Use role play and stories: Books and role play can help children understand

how characters or others handle frustration. Discuss these scenarios to draw

parallels to their experiences. Share your own experiences of how you

effectively managed your own frustration at home or at work. This teaches

children that it is a normal part of life. Encourage them to express their feelings

and guide them in finding the solution or constructive ways to cope.

8. Foster a growth mindset: Help children understand that abilities and skills can

improve with effort and practice. Let them see failures as stepping stones

towards success, rather than permanent setbacks or road-blocks.

The role of parents and educators:

Parents and educators play a very crucial role in helping children develop frustration

tolerance. Providing a supportive and structured environment, where challenges are

seen as opportunities for growth, is essential. Avoid shielding children from every

difficulty; instead guide them in navigating their emotions and challenges

constructively.

In a world that often prioritizes quick fixes, fostering frustration tolerance teaches

children the value of persistence, effort and self-regulation skills that will serve them

throughout their lives. This skill is foundational for emotional resilience, problem solving, long-term success and adaptability in adulthood. We prepare children not just

for success in academics or sports, but for all the complexities that life has to offer.

While the process may be extremely challenging for both the child and the caregivers,

the long-term benefits far outweigh the temporary discomfort.

So, as your child learns to build their tolerance, you learn to build yours too!

About the author:

Ms. Arleen Dias Lobo

Psychologist (MA Clinical Psychology)