Grateful and Happy.

Sometimes in the liminal spaces of therapy, a client will say something that will remain in your mind for long. One of my clients, a young woman, recently brought together two words- which commonly go together, normally referring to the almost same thing, she got them together, however, to sharpen their differences. She was talking of her almost burn, out feelings towards work. She said, for the opportunities the company gave her, she was `grateful but not happy’. And in a few minutes she realized she had the same feelings towards her marriage. The bringing together of these two words, `grateful, but not happy’, made me reflect on the sharp difference between these two emotions.

Gratitude as described by the dictionary is a `feeling of appreciation for some help/kindness/support shown’, while `happiness’ is an emotion of `joy, fulfilment, contentment’. Usually, we are grateful when we feel contented and fulfilled, supported and helped. But she was able to bring more granularity in my understanding of the emotion. Is it possible to be `grateful, but unhappy’ with something? Like grateful for the country, but unhappy about many things of it? Like `thank you, but no thank you’. Can we be grateful for something that leaves us unhappy? In other words, can support/help/kindness leave us unhappy? Or looking at it another way, does everything we are grateful for, move us to joy?

If you listen to Thich Nhat Han, the Buddhist monk who brought this mellifluous quality to gratitude, mindfulness and joy, through his writings, his life and his many quotes, gratitude and happiness, go hand in hand. He said, ``Just by practicing gratitude, we can find happiness. When we live in the spirit of gratitude, there will be much happiness in our lives’’.

Clearly it may not always work. It didn’t in my client’s case. There was gratitude, but no joy.

If the word `emotion’ embeds the word `motion’, then my client thought the gratitude she felt gave her no levity. It kept her moored to her desk, her life, her home, fed and clothed her, whereas she wanted to move, feel the movement of the emotions of happiness through her being. The more she felt gratitude for the mundane that this life was giving her, the more miserable she was. This gratitude took away her autonomy.

Since then, every time I feel grateful for something, I ask myself if I am also happy. If what I am grateful for, is also what I am happy about. Does the thing that I am grateful for, also moves me to joy? As, it looks like it is possible to be grateful and unhappy. Grateful for the support but not happy with the conditions that it brings with it. Grateful for the kindness, but not happy with the pay back expected. And so on. It has helped me understand myself and my feelings at a more subtle level.

Sometimes these emotions fall in together, though. Like for this opportunity to write this blog, I am both. Grateful and happy!

About the Author:

Aruna Chakravorty is a psychologist and certified EMDR and Brainspotting therapist. She practices in Mumbai and online.