Why Saying No Feels So Hard: A Therapist’s Reflection on Boundaries

One of the most common things I hear in therapy is: "I know I should say no... but I just can’t." From over-apologizing in work emails to attending social events out of guilt, the struggle with boundaries shows up in subtle and exhausting ways.

It’s not just about time or space. It’s about worth, identity, and fear. For many young adults - whether teens navigating friendships or professionals juggling deadlines - boundaries feel like a luxury, not a right. And saying “no” feels risky: Will they think I’m rude? Lazy? Selfish?

These fears are real. And they're often rooted in something deeper.

We live in a world that rewards hustle, constant availability, and being the “go-to” person.

If you're not answering work messages late at night or showing up to every plan, you risk being seen as difficult or replaceable. Even on social media, being "seen" and responding quickly is expected. Saying you need time off from calls or chats comes with pressure to over-explain. And then there’s the invisible pressure of Indian social and family life - where respect, love, and responsibility are deeply linked to self-sacrifice.

A teenage client once told me, “Everyone treats me like their mother. I have to help everyone - my friends, my family, my teachers. If I say no, they won’t need me anymore.”

This isn’t just her story, it’s a pattern. Boundaries aren’t just difficult because we don’t know

how to set them. They’re difficult because we’re scared of what they might cost us: connection, acceptance, love.

When boundaries are repeatedly crossed, the signs don’t always show up in words. They show up in:

● Overthinking every decision

● Shrinking yourself to avoid conflict

● Feeling guilty for taking rest

● Saying yes just to avoid uncomfortable conversations

● Bottled-up anger that turns into burnout or numbness

● Feeling used, invisible, or always tired

These are not personal failures, they are survival strategies.

They are how we’ve learned to stay safe, be liked, or feel needed.

But over time, they cost us clarity, peace, and a sense of who we really are.

In every boundary conversation, there's an underlying question my clients are trying to ask:

“If I set a boundary, will I still be loved?” As a therapist, I don’t just see people who struggle to say no. I see people who have always been told they need to be “nice,” helpful, polite, agreeable - no matter what it costs. We are a generation of over-functioners - and under receivers. But boundaries aren’t barriers. They are bridges to better relationships - starting with yourself.

Setting boundaries doesn't mean you start yelling “NO” everywhere. It means:

● Saying, “Let me get back to you” instead of rushing into a yes

● Pausing before you reply to messages that overwhelm you

● Replacing “Sorry I’m late” with “Thank you for waiting”

● Reminding yourself: “I am not responsible for everyone’s comfort”

One small change I recommend in therapy is practicing saying your needs out loud, even if

it’s just to yourself.

For example:

● “I need space after work.”

● “I don’t want to meet today.”

● “This message made me feel drained.”

Because awareness is the first step - and awareness builds courage.

If you're reading this and thinking, “That’s me,” - you’re not alone.

So many of us are still learning that we are allowed to take up space, to say no, and to not feel guilty for simply existing as we are. And if you’re a therapist, educator, or practitioner reading this, I hope you remember: Boundaries are not a sign of rebellion. They are a sign of healing.

About the Author:

Khushi B Jhaveri is a Psychologist