The Psychology behind Indian Kids Feeling Guilty for Choosing Themselves
- indianmhsummit
- Jul 31
- 3 min read
Exploring the psychological toll of growing up torn between family duty and personal choice
When we think of Indian parents, we generally envision love shown via home-cooked meals, unending sacrifices, and a strong devotion to their children's futures. However, with this affection, young adults also experience something more difficult to describe: emotional turmoil when their aspirations clash with their parents' expectations. This latent tension is more than just a "generation gap". In psychology, this phenomenon is known as cognitive dissonance.
What is cognitive dissonance?
Cognitive dissonance, coined by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1957, refers to the mental discomfort we experience when we possess two or more incompatible beliefs, values, or attitudes. For example, a typical Indian parent wants their child to be an engineer, while their child may have a desire to be a filmmaker. The result? Anxiety, guilt, confusion, and sometimes, burnout.
In Indian families, where collectivist culture often emphasises duty, family honour, and obedience, this clash poses a dilemma. You love your parents and want their approval, but their vision of success might not align with your own. That discomfort—nagging guilt of disappointing them, the fear of being judged, or the suppression of your authentic self, is cognitive dissonance at work.
What does Research say?
A 2023 study on young Indian adults (18-25 years) found that nearly 77% experienced cognitive dissonance about academics and health-related choices. The most common triggers? Career decisions that deviated from family expectations and lifestyle choices, such as mental health therapy or even diet, which clashed with traditional norms (Ts, 2023).
Another 2024 study examined the effect of parental expectations on Indian students and found strong links to maladaptive perfectionism—a type of perfectionism driven not by self-motivation, but by fear of failure and disappointing others. This fear, in turn, is a key emotional byproduct of dissonance, creating a cycle of self-doubt and emotional strain (Menon et al., 2024).
Using Reddit to express disappointment
Platforms like Reddit offer a raw look into how this plays out in everyday life. One user on r/AsianParentStories said:
“Parents blatantly told me I will never have independence.”
This shares a student’s struggle with being told they'd never have autonomy despite qualification and maturity.
These posts aren’t outliers; they echo what psychologists call intergenerational cultural dissonance, where family values passed down across generations contradict with modern ideas of identity, autonomy, and wellbeing.
Why It Matters?
Unchecked cognitive dissonance isn’t just uncomfortable; it’s harmful. It can lead to:
Chronic anxiety
Depression
Sleep issues
Low self-esteem
Difficulty making decisions
Emotional exhaustion
For many, the dissonance becomes so overwhelming that they stop trying. This is called learned helplessness, it's a belief that nothing you do will change your situation, so why bother?
Coping Strategies That Help
Cognitive dissonance can’t always be avoided, but it can be managed:
Self-Awareness: Naming the conflict is the first step. Understanding that these feelings stem from a real psychological phenomenon can ease the burden of self-blame.
Value Clarification: Journaling or therapy can help clarify what matters most to you. Are your choices motivated by guilt or authenticity?
Open Communication: While not always easy, honest (and respectful) conversations with parents about your needs and mental health can reduce assumptions on both sides.
Boundary Setting: Sometimes, self-care means saying NO. Setting emotional or logistical boundaries can help reduce dissonance in the long term.
Community Support: Talking to peers, mentors, or online communities like Reddit or youth support groups can validate your experience and offer perspective.
Final Thoughts
Cognitive dissonance in Indian families isn’t about blaming parents. It’s about understanding a deep psychological conflict that many young people live with but don’t have words for. By identifying it, talking about it, and addressing it with empathy and self-compassion, we can begin to reduce the mental toll it takes on an entire generation. After all, love and autonomy should never feel like opposing forces. If you've felt this tension too, you're not alone. The conflict between love and freedom is real, but so is the possibility of healing through understanding.
About the Author: Kalkivai Aneesha is a Journalism, Psychology, and English Literature graduate from Christ University, Bengaluru. Her work often explores the intersections of psychology with themes like environment, gender, law, and more. She also writes on environmental issues, human rights, and is a budding artist with a keen interest in storytelling across media.
References
Menon, S., R, N. a. V., & Rajan, S. K. (2024). Parental expectations and fear of negative
evaluation among Indian emerging adults: The mediating role of maladaptive perfectionism. Indian Journal of Psychological Medicine. https://doi.org/10.1177/02537176241252949
Ts, A. (2023). Studying the Trends of Cognitive Dissonance in Young Adults in Indian Context » The International Journal of Indian Psychȯlogy. International Journal of Indian Psychology. https://doi.org/10.25215/1102.193
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